Its been a really tough week for me this week and I can not even begin to tell you how hard it was for me to get through it. Let me take it through for you day by day
Day 1 - Tuesday: Now you have probably read my previous post by now (if you are reading them in the correct order that is). This day was the day that I had a really tough session with my trainer. Now that night after all my complaining I realised through the amazing responses from my friends that evening whether it was via twitter/Facebook or sms. It made me realize that it wasn't as bad as it seemed and maybe (sorry about this) I was just PMSing
Day 2 - Wednesday: It was a typical day at work, I was on shift with some of my besties and we actually had a really enjoyable shift even though we had a very limited amount of work to do. I had a little bit of a niggly lower back pain, but put it down to stiffness from the workout the previous day. As the day went on I just learnt to ignore it. I went to Hudsons Burger Bar ( after work with A and V for some drinks and it happened to be happy hour there... good deal... between 16h00 and 18h00 its half price cocktails and tapas... we had such an enjoyable afternoon talking about work, gossiping and general chatter between colleagues and friends. During our walk back to the hotel I realised that the back pain actually got worse. The pain then seemed to get progressively worse as the evening wore on... which brings us to...
Day 3 - Thursday: Waking up was the highlight of my day, as throughout the day things just seem to get worse. My back pain got so bad that I couldn't even walk. I went to the doctor who shot me up with chemicals that did absolutely nothing to help the pain and went to bed. That is where I stayed for the rest of the day. Getting up to go to the toilet or to eat brought on physical and emotional pain (I will get to this). I lied earlier when I said waking up was my highlight of my day cause at the end of this day my BF came to visit... we basically grew up together and have been best friends since grade 8 (std 6) after school she moved to Durban. Our friendship has increased and deepened despite the distance. In April this year she got married and she gave me the privilege of being her Maid of Honour and part time long distance wedding planner! Her visit was a surprise and we joked that she chose the wrong time to come due to me being in bed for the entire time she was here. Despite that we had an amazing time together. Talking catching up and generally being in each others company.
Day 4/5/6 - The Weekend: These days really took it out of me. I think it was a mixture of feeling like my body had let me down and the fact that I couldn't exercise was really getting me down. I was in a very very fragile space and no matter what I did or said or was told I couldn't snap out of it. I tried to remember how strong I was and how much I have changed in the last few months and all I could think was how weak I am to have been injured and of course that leads to the usual degrading thoughts of my weight and therefore me. It was really a bad time for me and all the work that I have put in seemed to totally dissipate and I made myself feel totally worthless. To top it all off I suffer from a severe case of the Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO) and that weekend happened to be halloween and everybody I knew (no I am not exaggerating) was out having an absolute whale of a time and all I could do was follow their tweets or status updates and be totally green with envy. Even my BF couldn't make me feel better about the fact that she was here and that should have been enough for me. Needless to say these kind of feelings do not just disappear over night and if I am honest even today I am still fighting those feelings and trying to get myself back on the road that I need to be on.
Day 7/8 - Monday/Tuesday: Things seem to get better over these two days. I was back at work, the pain was considerably less and my BF and I had been having a good time together. We went to see other friends and enjoyed a friends birthday slowly but surely I seemed to be returning to my usual self.
Day 9 - Wednesday (Today): I went to see my physio today to get the all clear to go back to gym which I am relieved to say she gave me!! After which I went to visit a new friend of mine and had coffee with her. I really enjoy her company, she is sweet and caring and really just a spiritual and genuine person. I can see us getting close and I am truly happy I found her in my life. I was so happy about the physio's prognosis that I went to visit the guys at the gym and truly there is nothing better then the way that they make me feel! They were all so happy to see me and was so excited and relieved that I could come back to the gym. Its days like today and people like them who make the last few days seem so silly because they always make me feel like I am truly and incredible person and maybe one day I will believe it myself!
Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and be truly happy and maybe not... either way I am not going to stop this process and this road to healing no matter how hard it is.
In love and in health
OG
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